Road Block

Infertility. 1 in 8 couples are affected by it. You see others go through it. Hear about family that went through it, but you never anticipate that it will be you.


I used to joke that I've been ready to be a mom since I was 17. You see, my sister is 10 years older than me. When I was about 10, she had her first child. I began babysitting. Since then, she has had 3 more, my other sister had one child, and my brother had one as well. I have been the fun single aunt for a long time so I baby sat, burped and fed them, and changed a fair amount of poopy diapers. It was from that young age that I knew I wanted to be a mom. I grew up, got married and continued to be the cool aunt and help out my siblings when I could with baby sitting and other things- anticipating the time that it would be my turn to have kids of my own. The timing wasn't right when we first got married, and so we waited. I finally graduated from college, started my first 'real job', and we felt that it was time. I was excited, and figured both my sisters got pregnant fairly easy so I thought it would be easy for me too. Month after month my heart broke as I realized I still wasn't pregnant. I was friends with a few couples that had been trying for months, and others that had been trying for years. It was then that I realized that I wasn't alone on this journey, but it didn't make it any easier. I saw post after post of more pregnant friends- I was so very happy for them, but I still wished it were me. I finally went to the doctor and got some testing done after about 5 months. (I know, doesn't seem like a long time, but it seemed like ages to me!!) We found out that I hadn't been ovulating and that a simple medicine could fix that. We got started and a few months later found out that we were expecting! I was so ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone! I even did a cute announcement to tell Devan. However, that happiness faded as one week later I miscarried. It was early, only 5 weeks, but that didn't ease the grief and pain that we went through. I lost hope then. I thought "i'll never be a mom". I heard more and more people say: it'll happen when its supposed to. They were trying to help, but it killed me inside.

Fast forward a few months: I was in the middle of getting ready to leave my home, my job, and my family to move to Colorado with my husband. My doctor had done blood work and said it didn't look like I was pregnant, but I should test in 7 days just to make sure. I did it just because he told me to, but when I looked it was positive. It was late at night and I thought for sure it was fake so I put it back in the box and under the sink. The next morning I did it again, again it was positive. I should have told Devan, but instead I stuffed it under the sink again. Later that day I asked him if we could go buy more tests and he said "yes, but didn't we just buy some?" It was then that I told him and he responded "I know, I knew you tested so I searched for them and found them both under the sink!" He was so excited, but I was scared that the same thing would happen and we would lose this baby too. I didn't tell him a fun way or anything because of that fear.

Here I am, 15 weeks in, and baby is still happy and healthy. After trying for almost a year, our desires finally became reality. I still fear something will go wrong, and I will lose this baby too. But I keep faith whenever morning sickness or cravings hit.

I still know other couples that are trying. I pray for them everyday that things will work out.

For now, I am so excited to be a mommy!

Oops...

Ten years ago if you would have asked me what my life would look like now I would have listed the following: I'd be married at 20, have a couple kids and be a stay at home mom, I'd be in a house, have a dog, I'd be a great friend, and have time to pursue all my hobbies and dreams. As I sat thinking about this a few nights ago all I could think was "OOPS!" You see, I AM married, later than I thought it would happen, but I'm married and happily at that! But, I don't stay at home, I work full time as a teacher. I don't have a house (in fact I live in a crappy apartment), or a dog and unfortunately I still don't have any kids. I rarely have time for my friends, even though I try to be a good one, and I have so many dream jobs with no time or money to go after them. If my 15 year-old self could see me now, she would probably freak out. I would probably have to scoop her jaw off the floor before she would say "What happened?!" And so lately I've been thinking.... what did happen?




Its moments like these that I start letting myself be sucked into moments of self doubt. My anxiety and depression rear their ugly head and I am left with nothing but the thoughts of "You are worthless, you can't do anything right, and you are failing at EVERYTHING." We all come to this point I think at some time in our lives. Social media doesn't help... I scroll through Facebook or Instagram and see another friend smiling in front their brand new house. I see another playing with their cute puppy, I see long lost friends who I haven't talked to in a decade and think about how I wish I knew what was happening in their life, and I see baby announcement after baby announcement. I let myself start to think "Why them? Why not me?". My brain starts to think "how am I so far behind all these people? How can they have a house, a job, a dog, AND a baby?! Is that really fair?! They must be so much more successful than me...." That's when I stopped. Success. What does that mean? Who measures success? Is there really a God watching over me saying "you fail at life, therefore you get NOTHING!" .... I don't think so. Then why do I feel so unsuccessful? It was then, only after weeks, months, years of moping about how my life didn't turn out the way that I planned that maybe, just maybe, it turned out better (or at least the way it needed to). And I began to think....


Well, I may not be a stay at home mom BUT I did graduate from college and successfully complete my first year of teaching.
I may not have a house, BUT I was able to get me and my husband through school without gaining too much student debt by saving money on rent.
I don't have a dog, BUT I have lots of really cute stuffed animals that require less clean up and don't try to run away from me.
I may not be able to pursue other dream jobs and hobbies, BUT I make one pretty great teacher and I worked extremely hard to go to school to do that.
And my biggest one: I don't have kids yet, BUT I am the best dang Aunt that I have ever met and I have the cutest nieces and nephews around.


"You see", I say to my imaginary 15 year old self. "Your life isn't so bad..."
And so, while I have hit road blocks, forks in my road, avalanches and every other oops there is, I still ended up being "successful", just not in the way that I imagined.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because someone else's life looks perfect, and more like what I want, I have the life I need. Yes, I still want to get a house, I still want a dog, I want to be a better friend, wife, sister, I want to have kids! But, I know that those things will happen when they are right for me. I deserve those things! I deserve to chase after dreams! I guess sometimes, we just have to put on the brakes for a second and enjoy the scenery.


So blog, I'm back. I'll write about my roadblocks with infertility, I'll share about my forks in the road of finding a new job, I'll share my avalanches of anxiety and depression my big OOPS moments, but I'll also share the beautiful scenery I find along the way. So, will you join my quest? The quest of constant perfection.

Believe in YOU

This week I had the opportunity to meet and hear from the author Richard Paul Evans. While it wasn't at a church gathering or anything of the sort, the spirit touched me in a way that I didn't know I needed. He began by telling us of the cages and limitations we put ourselves behind. Cages that restricted us. I, being the imaginative person I am, claimed to myself that I didn't place myself behind such cages. He said:

"Believe that you are here for a reason and that you will change the world."

This is when I began to think of all the times I doubted myself. All the times I told myself I wasn't good enough. All the times that I thought no body cared. All the times I thought I was just in peoples way. My mind was filled with thoughts of inadequacy, and the thoughts I had simply placed as facts in my brain. In reality, I had not placed myself behind a cage, but had completely buried myself in a hole. I thought there was no way I could change one person, let alone the world! I thought that I was here... I knew there was more to that but at the time it seemed I was just wandering through life. This hole I had dug had entrapped me in my own self delusions where I thought my average self was all I would ever amount to and I didn't need to try to be anything more.
Ever felt this way?
Ever looked at how people influenced others and wondered how they do it?

THAT CAN BE US!

That's right, you reading this, you have the potential to change the world! Granted, you may not solve world hunger, or figure out how to create world peace- but that is not all this world needs. Each person is a part of this world and you have the opportunity to help them and change them- starting with YOU. Just by striving each and every day to be a better person changes the world. It helps you better understand your reason for being here. I can think of hundreds of people who have helped me realize both of those things. They have changed my world, and just thinking about it makes me want to help others change theirs.
So, to all you sitting in complacency, get out of your stupid cage. You were sent where you are for a reason. Someone or something is waiting for you- and when you begin to recognize that, you WILL change the world.

The Week I Dread

I always picture what the future would be like. I like to picture how my plans for me will end up. A year and a half ago, I left for the Texas San Antonio Mission. In my mind, I would serve a wonderful full time mission, and enjoy every minute. I would be able to help so many people, and companions as well. My family would be just dandy while I was gone, and when I came home it would be a piece of cake to find the man of my dreams and be sealed to him for time and all eternity. I sit here now, a year and a half later, and that plan is no where near what I thought it would be. Eight months ago, almost exactly to this day, I came home from my mission. I came early, having served a honorable mission, but needing some extra medical attention. I had fought a lot on  my mission to get over these medical problems, but as they added one on top of the other the burden became too large for me to bear. In one weekend, I went from serving with my best friend, to coming home to a confused but loving family. In a matter of hours, my life went completely upside down. I went from a time of focusing all my attention on the needs of others, to people staring and wondering what had happened. Its the nature of people to be curious. But curiosity doesn't mean you can be rude and judgmental. For then next few weeks I had people asking me questions that suggested I had compromised my virtue. Or questions asking what rules I had broken. In these weeks, as the questions continued, I felt like a bad person. That even though I had only come home because I needed help I had just given up, or failed the Lord. As this continued, I began to slip back into old habits. I didn't think I deserved anything good, so I made up for it by doing dumb things. From serving with structure and the spirit each day, my life had turned into total chaos and darkness. This was not the future I had hoped for months before when I left for Texas. 

After weeks, and months, of fighting to even know if anyone cared, I received a letter from a friend. It contained this quote by C.S. Lewis- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I started to think about this more and more. When I left for my mission I left the comfort of home, school and friends- trusting that the Lord had better things in store for me. When I was serving with a companion in one of my favorite areas, and was told I was being transferred I had to trust that the Lord had better things ahead. I had practiced this in my life multiple times, yet I forgot to do so, when I needed it the most. I had let the future scare me away from the better things I could have had. No, the future was not what I had imagined it to be. My family had had trouble, I had caused burdens on companions, and I for sure did not come home and magically run into prince charming. But, The Lord had provided better things. He allowed me to come and live with a family who showed me how to love in a different way, he placed me in a ward full of people who wanted to be my friends, he had even given me a man (for a little while) that helped me to learn how to trust again. Instead of focusing on all these good things, I had been so focused on all the bad and let myself feel stuck. Only to realize that an open door had been in front of me the whole time.

You may be wondering why on earth I am posting this today. Well, This Wednesday (on the 17th) I would have been flying home having served a full time mission, to see a family who was happy and proud. These past few weeks I have dreaded this day. As it came closer, the more guilt and confusion I felt. I didn't understand WHY I had to come home. I knew I needed the help, but why did the medical junk have to happen to me in the first place while I was serving? I think of how crazy life is right now with working two jobs and going to school full time- and think to myself that I wouldn't be worrying about that stuff right now if I was still out there. This morning, I woke up. Full of anguish, full of confusion, and wondering how I was going to get past this week. I sat up and looked at my wall and what did I see, C.S. Lewis' quote- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." 

I didn't give up on my mission, or the Lord. He didn't give up on me either. I'm not a disappointment to Him, in fact I know I did the things in Texas that He needed me too. (Regardless of what others think) I have a loving Heavenly Father who ALWAYS cares. I have a family, though crazy sometimes, always makes me smile. I have a home to live in with a family that helps me to continue to learn. My future plan a month and a half ago seemed quite dreamy. No, I'm not still on my mission, I'm not helping people in Texas, and obviously am still single. But you know what, that is what God had planned for me. He knows what He wants me to become. He knows my potential. He loves me. And as this week of dread forges onward- I will turn to Him to find the comfort knowing He is shaping me in His hands.

A look at Me

We were all created after the image of God. Every single one of us has similarities to Him. However, we were not made to be all the same. If I look at a picture of my family I see different color hair, different eyes, different smiles, but not only do we not look the same, we don't all act the same. All of us have different plans. All of us have different trials and responsibilities. We are different.
I look in the mirror and I see me. I'm not like my sisters, when they were my age they were both married. I'm not like some of the women in my Ward, i'm not relief society president, and i'm not dating my "soon to be" something more. I'm not like my coworkers, I don't think I have it all. I'm not like some of my companions, who served in leadership their whole missions. I'm not like anyone. I look in the mirror and see me. For the past few months, when I looked in the mirror and saw me, I was ashamed. "what is my purpose", "what am I doing wrong", "do I even matter"? All questions that passed through my mind. I compared myself to other people and when I saw them doing something that looked better, or more important, I automatically assumed I was not doing what I needed to and therefore being punished or something. But this is not the case.
I was created to be me. I have flaws, I have weaknesses. I have imperfections. I look in the mirror and that is what I see. Traces of my past: Heart-break from past relationships, lack of trust from a broken family, fear of disappointing those I love, hurt from emotional terror I wrecked on myself, but most of all pain from the judgments of others and my self. The natural man wants us to look at these things in ourselves. We automatically look at the bad, and assume others do as well. We believe we are defined by it.
I had had enough. I hate hating me. So, today I looked in the mirror with fresh eyes. I saw me, and I saw the traces of my past. Courage, from following the spirit in past relationships. Strength, in those the relationships I have built and maintained. Faith, that I can only do my best. Love, of knowing I have a Father in Heaven who sent me here for a reason. And most of all gratitude for all the blessings I have in my life.
I have flaws, I have weaknesses, I have imperfections- but that is what makes me, me. It isn't what people say, or how they act to me that defines me, but how I choose to see it for myself. Do I see myself as just another human roaming the earth, or do I see myself for what I am: a Daughter of God.

So today I have a message for you my dear friends and family,
Do you see you for who you truly are? You are much for than what you think you are. You were created, and sent here for a reason. We all struggle with different things: depression, illness, addictions, laziness, procrastination, anxiety, and much more. But that is not what defines you. Those things you struggle with are there to make you better. They are there to be a building block, not a stumbling stone. As I picture all of you in my mind right now, all I see is Love. I know that you are where you need to be. I know that you are changing lives no matter what you think. I know that you are here for a reason, and I know that someone loves you. Today, look in the mirror, and see how the past has shaped you into a beautiful person
Today, look in the mirror, and recognize that you are nothing to be ashamed of, but a gift to those around you. Some of you will read this and think i'm crazy. Maybe you don't think my opinion matters. Maybe, you don't care. But I do. Because I know we are Children of God. And if He loves you, regardless of all the good and bad, so should you.

P.S. I love you too.

Weaknesses (can) become Strengths

Lately, I have been pondering on a lot of things. A lot of big decisions are a head of me- and its easy to get caught up in your thoughts. One day, as I sat thinking about EVERYTHING I became scared, and even began to panic. It was then that I finally admitted to myself that this fear was my biggest weakness. Fear of not doing the right thing. Fear of breaking someones heart. Fear of breaking my own heart. Fear that I would be rejected. Fear that I would be alone. Fear of making the right career choice. Fear of taking the right job. Fear that I was taking the wrong path in my life. Fear, fear, fear, FEAR. So, I stayed that way. For the next couple days, I let myself sit and wade in all my fears. I let them overcome me, so much so that I wasn't even acting like myself. I was letting fear run my life, and in so doing, I wasn't progressing toward anything at all. It was one night why I sat awake in my room thinking about all I should or shouldn't do that I finally decided to turn to the most important thing. The scriptures. I just held them in my hand for a minute, and then opened to the chapter I knew would help. Ether 12.

vs 27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

This is way easier said then done. I don't think it is always easy to admit that we have a weakness, or even more hard to admit that we need help to strengthen ourselves from it. I laughed out loud thinking 'how in the world can I turn fear of EVERYTHING into a strength.' For then next couple days my thoughts were a little different. I would start to be fearful and as I would catch myself I would think how can I overcome this. I became easily frustrated thinking that there was no solid solution to my fear, or my weakness.
You know when you're laying in bed at night and random things pop into your head? Like a song, or a phrase? Well as I sat on night trying to sleep this came to my mind 'fear is the opposite of faith'. Now, I know I've heard that before- but I don't think I ever took it to heart. I started tracing my thoughts. My fear of not doing the right thing could be overcome by faith that I was being led by Christ. My fear of breaking someones heart or my own heart could be overcome by my faith that revelation I had received was in fact from Heavenly Father- and there to help me be better not hurt anybody. My fear of being rejected was overcome by faith that I was doing what I needed to to become like Christ. It didn't matter what everyone else thought as long as Christ approved of what I was doing. Faith, or more importantly Faith in Christ, could triumph over all fear- IF we let it.
I turned to the handy dandy Preach my Gospel and in it, it says: "Faith is a principle of power. God works by power, but His power is usually exercised in response to faith. He works according to the faith of His children. Doubt and FEAR are opposed to faith."
Here I had been for weeks, months, letting my self wade in this everlasting misery of fear of everything. When all I needed to do was exactly what that verse in Ether told me to. Humble myself before the Lord, and have FAITH in Him. I read that verse now and think how silly of me not to have noticed that the first time I had read through it. So, now recognizing all of this I have a new method to my fear. I won't say that I don't still fear a lot of things. Life is scary, and so is growing up. It comes with a lot of choices, and life changing decisions. But Christ, through His love and atonement, made it possible to have a helping hand through the whole thing. And not only that, but if we made a mistake, He was there to help us overcome it- as long as we turned to Him. I had sat miserable for a long time while He stretched His hand continually toward me- He was just waiting for me to grab a hold. Now instead of being sucked in to a whirlwind of fear in my own brain, I sit, I ponder, I write, I pray and figure out how to strengthen my faith in whatever the fear my be. I may not be perfect, and i'm not saying that this is my only weakness (because trust me, its not), but this is how we progress in the Eternal perspective. One step at a time. After all,  nobody becomes perfect in a day.

Open Your Eyes

I know it has been a while but something happened today that I just have to share. I was supposed to be to work by 3:30. I wasted most of my morning doing silly things, watching netflix, reading, and figuring out my fall school schedule. at 2:30 I got ready really fast, remembering that I had to stop by the pharmacy on the way to work to pick up some medicine. I left the house, turned on the music, and just drove. After picking up the medicine, I went to pull out of the parking lot only to realize that I couldn't turn the way I needed to. So I decided I would go right and just make a simple U-turn to get going the right way. So I did just that. I made my u-turn and went on my merry way. Only a few seconds later I saw the dreaded blue and red flashing lights. I had no clue why I was being pulled over- but I pulled over! I was scared out of my mind, it was the first time that had happened. As the officer approached he asked "do you know why I pulled you over?" I told him I had no idea (as I frantically kept searching for my registration). He then continued to tell me that not only had I made an illegal u-turn, but I had almost been t-boned by another car that was behind me. I was shocked, I had not seen or heard any cars even close to me. He was surprised I didn't hear the screeching of tires as the guy stepped on his breaks. I swear my music wasn't that loud- but I knew I wasn't blind. I go lucky, the officer let me off with a warning telling me the Utah u-turn laws, and telling me to be sure to pay better attention to my surroundings. Then we both went on our way.
As I got to work, I continued to think about the experience I had just had. I could have been in a terrible accident, I could have been hurt, I could have hurt someone else- but instead I didn't even know I was in danger. I thought I had just made a simple turn to redirect myself.
I found this quote by Elder Packer:
"Strangely, doing the wrong thing often seems reasonable, possibly because it seems to be the easiest course. We often hear as a justification for wrong behavior, “Well, everybody is doing it.” This evil distorts the truth, and its author is Satan."
I had done the wrong thing, simply thinking it was the most logical thing to do to correct my mistake. I had seen u-turns done there before and so I thought that it was completely legal. I could have driven back around through the parking lot and exited at the right spot- but I had been too lazy for that, to rushed. So instead I broke the law, and put myself in danger in doing so.
I recognized this was an exact parallel to my spiritual progression. Some times we are placed with a path that seems like it will take too much time. We are so caught up in "the music" and "being on time" and all the other little things in life that we forget to do the right things. For example: We may have the opportunity to have a day where we have time to attend the temple, more than enough time to read our scriptures, and we could even visit some people in need. But, that drive is just too far- and I went last week anyway. And I read the scriptures this morning with my family, so I don't really need to read again. So instead I busy myself with napping, reading, tv, and facebook.
As sad as it is, I realized that I have been spiritually blind. Instead of trying to be better, I try to do the easiest thing and think that I can just kind of stay where I am at. I don't recognize the temptations that surround that easy choice. The spiritual danger it puts me in to avoid doing those good things.
Just like in driving where you have to be sure to check your blind spots, signal, and obey the law. In our spiritual progression we have to make sure we constantly are aware of the blind spots where satan may be sneaking in. We must be sure to set a course- and stay on it even when others try to sway us. We have been given commandments, and blessings, and family to help us. We must use those in order to continue to safely travel through the crazy traffic packed roads of life.
Obviously we are not perfect, we will sometimes need to be fixed or helped along the way. Thank goodness for our spiritual mechanic who has already experience all of our problems and knows exactly how to help us through them. Thank goodness for a Savior who loves us no matter our mistakes and bruises. Thank goodness for a comforting spirit that warns us or makes us aware of the things that we have done wrong. Thank goodness for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Thank goodness for learning experiences such as this that help me to open my eyes and see.