The Week I Dread

I always picture what the future would be like. I like to picture how my plans for me will end up. A year and a half ago, I left for the Texas San Antonio Mission. In my mind, I would serve a wonderful full time mission, and enjoy every minute. I would be able to help so many people, and companions as well. My family would be just dandy while I was gone, and when I came home it would be a piece of cake to find the man of my dreams and be sealed to him for time and all eternity. I sit here now, a year and a half later, and that plan is no where near what I thought it would be. Eight months ago, almost exactly to this day, I came home from my mission. I came early, having served a honorable mission, but needing some extra medical attention. I had fought a lot on  my mission to get over these medical problems, but as they added one on top of the other the burden became too large for me to bear. In one weekend, I went from serving with my best friend, to coming home to a confused but loving family. In a matter of hours, my life went completely upside down. I went from a time of focusing all my attention on the needs of others, to people staring and wondering what had happened. Its the nature of people to be curious. But curiosity doesn't mean you can be rude and judgmental. For then next few weeks I had people asking me questions that suggested I had compromised my virtue. Or questions asking what rules I had broken. In these weeks, as the questions continued, I felt like a bad person. That even though I had only come home because I needed help I had just given up, or failed the Lord. As this continued, I began to slip back into old habits. I didn't think I deserved anything good, so I made up for it by doing dumb things. From serving with structure and the spirit each day, my life had turned into total chaos and darkness. This was not the future I had hoped for months before when I left for Texas. 

After weeks, and months, of fighting to even know if anyone cared, I received a letter from a friend. It contained this quote by C.S. Lewis- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I started to think about this more and more. When I left for my mission I left the comfort of home, school and friends- trusting that the Lord had better things in store for me. When I was serving with a companion in one of my favorite areas, and was told I was being transferred I had to trust that the Lord had better things ahead. I had practiced this in my life multiple times, yet I forgot to do so, when I needed it the most. I had let the future scare me away from the better things I could have had. No, the future was not what I had imagined it to be. My family had had trouble, I had caused burdens on companions, and I for sure did not come home and magically run into prince charming. But, The Lord had provided better things. He allowed me to come and live with a family who showed me how to love in a different way, he placed me in a ward full of people who wanted to be my friends, he had even given me a man (for a little while) that helped me to learn how to trust again. Instead of focusing on all these good things, I had been so focused on all the bad and let myself feel stuck. Only to realize that an open door had been in front of me the whole time.

You may be wondering why on earth I am posting this today. Well, This Wednesday (on the 17th) I would have been flying home having served a full time mission, to see a family who was happy and proud. These past few weeks I have dreaded this day. As it came closer, the more guilt and confusion I felt. I didn't understand WHY I had to come home. I knew I needed the help, but why did the medical junk have to happen to me in the first place while I was serving? I think of how crazy life is right now with working two jobs and going to school full time- and think to myself that I wouldn't be worrying about that stuff right now if I was still out there. This morning, I woke up. Full of anguish, full of confusion, and wondering how I was going to get past this week. I sat up and looked at my wall and what did I see, C.S. Lewis' quote- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." 

I didn't give up on my mission, or the Lord. He didn't give up on me either. I'm not a disappointment to Him, in fact I know I did the things in Texas that He needed me too. (Regardless of what others think) I have a loving Heavenly Father who ALWAYS cares. I have a family, though crazy sometimes, always makes me smile. I have a home to live in with a family that helps me to continue to learn. My future plan a month and a half ago seemed quite dreamy. No, I'm not still on my mission, I'm not helping people in Texas, and obviously am still single. But you know what, that is what God had planned for me. He knows what He wants me to become. He knows my potential. He loves me. And as this week of dread forges onward- I will turn to Him to find the comfort knowing He is shaping me in His hands.

A look at Me

We were all created after the image of God. Every single one of us has similarities to Him. However, we were not made to be all the same. If I look at a picture of my family I see different color hair, different eyes, different smiles, but not only do we not look the same, we don't all act the same. All of us have different plans. All of us have different trials and responsibilities. We are different.
I look in the mirror and I see me. I'm not like my sisters, when they were my age they were both married. I'm not like some of the women in my Ward, i'm not relief society president, and i'm not dating my "soon to be" something more. I'm not like my coworkers, I don't think I have it all. I'm not like some of my companions, who served in leadership their whole missions. I'm not like anyone. I look in the mirror and see me. For the past few months, when I looked in the mirror and saw me, I was ashamed. "what is my purpose", "what am I doing wrong", "do I even matter"? All questions that passed through my mind. I compared myself to other people and when I saw them doing something that looked better, or more important, I automatically assumed I was not doing what I needed to and therefore being punished or something. But this is not the case.
I was created to be me. I have flaws, I have weaknesses. I have imperfections. I look in the mirror and that is what I see. Traces of my past: Heart-break from past relationships, lack of trust from a broken family, fear of disappointing those I love, hurt from emotional terror I wrecked on myself, but most of all pain from the judgments of others and my self. The natural man wants us to look at these things in ourselves. We automatically look at the bad, and assume others do as well. We believe we are defined by it.
I had had enough. I hate hating me. So, today I looked in the mirror with fresh eyes. I saw me, and I saw the traces of my past. Courage, from following the spirit in past relationships. Strength, in those the relationships I have built and maintained. Faith, that I can only do my best. Love, of knowing I have a Father in Heaven who sent me here for a reason. And most of all gratitude for all the blessings I have in my life.
I have flaws, I have weaknesses, I have imperfections- but that is what makes me, me. It isn't what people say, or how they act to me that defines me, but how I choose to see it for myself. Do I see myself as just another human roaming the earth, or do I see myself for what I am: a Daughter of God.

So today I have a message for you my dear friends and family,
Do you see you for who you truly are? You are much for than what you think you are. You were created, and sent here for a reason. We all struggle with different things: depression, illness, addictions, laziness, procrastination, anxiety, and much more. But that is not what defines you. Those things you struggle with are there to make you better. They are there to be a building block, not a stumbling stone. As I picture all of you in my mind right now, all I see is Love. I know that you are where you need to be. I know that you are changing lives no matter what you think. I know that you are here for a reason, and I know that someone loves you. Today, look in the mirror, and see how the past has shaped you into a beautiful person
Today, look in the mirror, and recognize that you are nothing to be ashamed of, but a gift to those around you. Some of you will read this and think i'm crazy. Maybe you don't think my opinion matters. Maybe, you don't care. But I do. Because I know we are Children of God. And if He loves you, regardless of all the good and bad, so should you.

P.S. I love you too.

Weaknesses (can) become Strengths

Lately, I have been pondering on a lot of things. A lot of big decisions are a head of me- and its easy to get caught up in your thoughts. One day, as I sat thinking about EVERYTHING I became scared, and even began to panic. It was then that I finally admitted to myself that this fear was my biggest weakness. Fear of not doing the right thing. Fear of breaking someones heart. Fear of breaking my own heart. Fear that I would be rejected. Fear that I would be alone. Fear of making the right career choice. Fear of taking the right job. Fear that I was taking the wrong path in my life. Fear, fear, fear, FEAR. So, I stayed that way. For the next couple days, I let myself sit and wade in all my fears. I let them overcome me, so much so that I wasn't even acting like myself. I was letting fear run my life, and in so doing, I wasn't progressing toward anything at all. It was one night why I sat awake in my room thinking about all I should or shouldn't do that I finally decided to turn to the most important thing. The scriptures. I just held them in my hand for a minute, and then opened to the chapter I knew would help. Ether 12.

vs 27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

This is way easier said then done. I don't think it is always easy to admit that we have a weakness, or even more hard to admit that we need help to strengthen ourselves from it. I laughed out loud thinking 'how in the world can I turn fear of EVERYTHING into a strength.' For then next couple days my thoughts were a little different. I would start to be fearful and as I would catch myself I would think how can I overcome this. I became easily frustrated thinking that there was no solid solution to my fear, or my weakness.
You know when you're laying in bed at night and random things pop into your head? Like a song, or a phrase? Well as I sat on night trying to sleep this came to my mind 'fear is the opposite of faith'. Now, I know I've heard that before- but I don't think I ever took it to heart. I started tracing my thoughts. My fear of not doing the right thing could be overcome by faith that I was being led by Christ. My fear of breaking someones heart or my own heart could be overcome by my faith that revelation I had received was in fact from Heavenly Father- and there to help me be better not hurt anybody. My fear of being rejected was overcome by faith that I was doing what I needed to to become like Christ. It didn't matter what everyone else thought as long as Christ approved of what I was doing. Faith, or more importantly Faith in Christ, could triumph over all fear- IF we let it.
I turned to the handy dandy Preach my Gospel and in it, it says: "Faith is a principle of power. God works by power, but His power is usually exercised in response to faith. He works according to the faith of His children. Doubt and FEAR are opposed to faith."
Here I had been for weeks, months, letting my self wade in this everlasting misery of fear of everything. When all I needed to do was exactly what that verse in Ether told me to. Humble myself before the Lord, and have FAITH in Him. I read that verse now and think how silly of me not to have noticed that the first time I had read through it. So, now recognizing all of this I have a new method to my fear. I won't say that I don't still fear a lot of things. Life is scary, and so is growing up. It comes with a lot of choices, and life changing decisions. But Christ, through His love and atonement, made it possible to have a helping hand through the whole thing. And not only that, but if we made a mistake, He was there to help us overcome it- as long as we turned to Him. I had sat miserable for a long time while He stretched His hand continually toward me- He was just waiting for me to grab a hold. Now instead of being sucked in to a whirlwind of fear in my own brain, I sit, I ponder, I write, I pray and figure out how to strengthen my faith in whatever the fear my be. I may not be perfect, and i'm not saying that this is my only weakness (because trust me, its not), but this is how we progress in the Eternal perspective. One step at a time. After all,  nobody becomes perfect in a day.

Open Your Eyes

I know it has been a while but something happened today that I just have to share. I was supposed to be to work by 3:30. I wasted most of my morning doing silly things, watching netflix, reading, and figuring out my fall school schedule. at 2:30 I got ready really fast, remembering that I had to stop by the pharmacy on the way to work to pick up some medicine. I left the house, turned on the music, and just drove. After picking up the medicine, I went to pull out of the parking lot only to realize that I couldn't turn the way I needed to. So I decided I would go right and just make a simple U-turn to get going the right way. So I did just that. I made my u-turn and went on my merry way. Only a few seconds later I saw the dreaded blue and red flashing lights. I had no clue why I was being pulled over- but I pulled over! I was scared out of my mind, it was the first time that had happened. As the officer approached he asked "do you know why I pulled you over?" I told him I had no idea (as I frantically kept searching for my registration). He then continued to tell me that not only had I made an illegal u-turn, but I had almost been t-boned by another car that was behind me. I was shocked, I had not seen or heard any cars even close to me. He was surprised I didn't hear the screeching of tires as the guy stepped on his breaks. I swear my music wasn't that loud- but I knew I wasn't blind. I go lucky, the officer let me off with a warning telling me the Utah u-turn laws, and telling me to be sure to pay better attention to my surroundings. Then we both went on our way.
As I got to work, I continued to think about the experience I had just had. I could have been in a terrible accident, I could have been hurt, I could have hurt someone else- but instead I didn't even know I was in danger. I thought I had just made a simple turn to redirect myself.
I found this quote by Elder Packer:
"Strangely, doing the wrong thing often seems reasonable, possibly because it seems to be the easiest course. We often hear as a justification for wrong behavior, “Well, everybody is doing it.” This evil distorts the truth, and its author is Satan."
I had done the wrong thing, simply thinking it was the most logical thing to do to correct my mistake. I had seen u-turns done there before and so I thought that it was completely legal. I could have driven back around through the parking lot and exited at the right spot- but I had been too lazy for that, to rushed. So instead I broke the law, and put myself in danger in doing so.
I recognized this was an exact parallel to my spiritual progression. Some times we are placed with a path that seems like it will take too much time. We are so caught up in "the music" and "being on time" and all the other little things in life that we forget to do the right things. For example: We may have the opportunity to have a day where we have time to attend the temple, more than enough time to read our scriptures, and we could even visit some people in need. But, that drive is just too far- and I went last week anyway. And I read the scriptures this morning with my family, so I don't really need to read again. So instead I busy myself with napping, reading, tv, and facebook.
As sad as it is, I realized that I have been spiritually blind. Instead of trying to be better, I try to do the easiest thing and think that I can just kind of stay where I am at. I don't recognize the temptations that surround that easy choice. The spiritual danger it puts me in to avoid doing those good things.
Just like in driving where you have to be sure to check your blind spots, signal, and obey the law. In our spiritual progression we have to make sure we constantly are aware of the blind spots where satan may be sneaking in. We must be sure to set a course- and stay on it even when others try to sway us. We have been given commandments, and blessings, and family to help us. We must use those in order to continue to safely travel through the crazy traffic packed roads of life.
Obviously we are not perfect, we will sometimes need to be fixed or helped along the way. Thank goodness for our spiritual mechanic who has already experience all of our problems and knows exactly how to help us through them. Thank goodness for a Savior who loves us no matter our mistakes and bruises. Thank goodness for a comforting spirit that warns us or makes us aware of the things that we have done wrong. Thank goodness for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Thank goodness for learning experiences such as this that help me to open my eyes and see.

You Matter. You are Loved.

Today I want to share two things: 1. you matter, and 2. you are loved.

This week had been a rough one. A lot of working, stressing about school and how I was going to pay for everything I need. Everyday I came home from work and did the usual routine, change to sweats and turn on the Netflix. I read, I nap, I try to figure out school stuff. That's all I did. However, no matter what I did I always felt a hole inside of me. An emptiness, and I felt all alone. I would lay in bed at night and feel as though I had not accomplished anything that day. And would desperately look forward to Sundays were I was forced to be with people at church. I would pray daily for the courage to meet new people. By Saturday I was burnt out, and ready to just sleep all my Sunday away. Today I woke up, I got ready, I went to church. Church is always good, always helps me to recharge and prepare myself for another week. But today was a little different. I sat in relief society, I had done the normal mingling, I had volunteered to help in lessons, and linger longer was soon, and I was ready for free food. The lesson got over early, and I just thought it was another bonus, until our relief society president invited a visiting sister from the Stake Relief Society to bear her testimony. This is how she started, "I need you all to know two things. 1. You matter 2. You are loved." At that moment I felt as though I was the only person in the room, and she was talking just to me. My desperate pleas for friends, excitement, and just to not feel alone vanished in a second. She continued to talk about how everything Christ did was so I could come here, and He could help me through the ups and downs of life. She talked about how much we matter to Him. It flashed through my mind that as Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He didn't just feel a bunch of pain, anguish, sorrow, happiness, stress and then it was over. He went through all of those for each person individually. Christ knelt in that garden, and for a while- I was all that He focused on. I mattered. He loved me so much that He wanted to create a way to have to not walk all those ups and downs of life alone. He loved each of us so much to do that for all of us.
Elder Utchdorf said "You are not alone on this journey. Your Heavenly Father knows you. Even when no one else hears you, He hears you. When you rejoice in righteousness, He rejoices with you. When you are beset with trial, He grieves with you.

Heavenly Father’s interest in you does not depend on how rich or beautiful or healthy or smart you are. He sees you not as the world sees you; He sees who you really are. He looks on your heart.⁵ And He loves you⁶ because you are His child.

Dear sisters, seek Him earnestly, and you will find Him.⁷

I promise you, you are not alone".

It was when I sought out this quote that I realized the only reason I felt so alone, and empty, was because I chose to be that way. I had scriptures I could have studied to find out how much I matter to my Heavenly Father. I had prayer that could have helped me recognize how close the Lord is. I had the temple I could have gone to to be able to feel the spirit, and recognize how much meaning is in my life. I had family that could help me the things  I have been blessed with in this life. And I turned down many opportunities to meet new people because I was afraid of rejection, or being the outcast. Truth is, none of us are outcasts. None of us are ever rejected. None of us are ever alone. Because we have a Father, a Heavenly Father and His son that love me forever, and always no matter what.

My dear friends, we are not alone. And we should be so grateful that we are not.

You matter. You are loved.

The Monster of Regret

Recently I've noticed how many times I second guess myself. I do the: what ifs, and I should haves, and the I wish I would have done that differently, all thorough the day. I think all of us go through this at one time or another. Where we can't seem to do anything right, and the decisions of the past come to haunt us, and pretty soon we are trapped by a monster within our own mind. Regret. Such a small thing, but it tears you up from the inside and feels like it is a never ending process.
This past week, I sat in my room for hours and hours thinking about all the 'mistakes' I have made, and fearing that nothing I had planned would work out, and they would just end up 'mistakes' as well. I thought back to when I started college, and when I went on my mission, and how I have treated friends and family, and realized.... I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WRONG. At least that is how I felt. So, I continued about my week, realizing by the minute how I should be doing things better. That evil monster of regret ripping my self esteem to shreds as I put on my mask, a smile. I prayed but the void in my heart I felt was to deep to fill- I had done those things so I needed to suffer the consequence. It was at this time that I realized that I was done. I was searching for an escape a way to feel anything besides this. And that had led to bad things in the past. Soon enough the week was over, and I went to church.
I expected to continue to feel miserable, and figured I would probably get little out of whatever was discussed. I was wrong. As soon as the first speaker got up he said "I want to talk about how much Heavenly Father loves each of us individually, and He has a plan that may be unknown to us" (of course that may not be exactly what he said, but that is what I heard.) This speaker continued to talk about an amazing experience he had on his mission. And as he spoke I looked back at all the experiences I had on my mission. All the love that my Heavenly Father had showed me by protecting me and comforting me. But it was me that had chosen to forget those things and only focus on the bad, the mistakes. Elder Utchdorf Said: "The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets." The more I read the scriptures, pray, go to church and strive to LEARN from those so called mistakes, the more likely I am to come closer to fulfilling my full potential. I looked at some of the choices I had regretted and realized how much I grew and learned from each one. The regret wasn't to make me suffer, but for me to learn and become a better me.
So, to the boy whom I hurt because I was scared. I'm sorry. To the companion whom I was so whiney around that they became discouraged in missionary work, I'm sorry. To my parents who deal with my pains, craziness, and emotions. I am sorry. To the best friend who I dump all my heart on to, i'm sorry. To the siblings I bother all the time. I'm sorry. To the branch that dealt with my downer attitude. I'm sorry. To the friend I stopped talking to because I chose to be offended, I'm sorry. I could go on and on and on. I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in the past- but I wouldn't take one of them away even if I could. Every experience, every act, every conversation has made me, me. Like Elder Utchdorf said, If I look to my God, and strive to see my purpose here- those regrets are less likely to appear. Obviously, we will feel bad for wrongs or hurting we may have caused, but those feelings are to remind us that we are on a pursuit of holiness. A pursuit to fulfill Gods plan for us. A pursuit to become like Him. And so, I lift up my chin, I smile, and I don't let that monster of regret take over my peace of mind. And most of all, I learn from what I did, and I move on.

Fight for the Future

On the mission, your focus was always on the same thing: sharing the gospel. I knew why I was there, and I did my best to fulfill my missionary purpose. I studied the gospel, I taught the gospel, I relied on the Lord to help me go where I needed to and say what I needed to say. It wasn't easy, but at least it had my full attention. Then I came home and it was like my attention was pulled in a million different ways. School, dating, work, car, money, family, friends, church, media all come slamming at you like a whirlwind. That's when I had to have an intervention with my own mind.
I sat down and asked myself what I wanted in life. I want to be a wife and a mother who has an unwavering testimony. One who strove to follow her dreams in career and spiritual adventures. I wanted to know that I was a daughter of God, and I wanted to be an example as such. While written down on paper the list seems so easy... its not. Which is more important, school or work? Which should come first, family or friends? Then I asked well if I want to pursue my career and get a car I need money- so shouldn't that trump everything? Should I sacrifice relationships, religion, and activities just to get a step closer to a better future? The answer to these questions for yourself may be easy, but as my mind became an even bigger whirlwind these questions seemed completely valid and things that seriously needed to be determined. Then I paused. Why am I here?
Well, I have a Heavenly Father that wanted me to become like Him. He sent His son here so that I could have a choice  of what to do in life. And so that I could be forgiven of the mistakes I make. I have family, friends, dreams, hopes, and ambition because of the blessing of being able to come to earth. If this is so (and this is what I believe to be so) then I should put this loving Heavenly Father above anything, because without Him I would have nothing. So, that is what I did. I kept my daily habits that formed on my mission of daily study, prayer, and faithfully following Him everyday. I made sure to counsel with Him in all my decisions. I put Him first. As I did so, miracles happened. I was blessed with a car for a great deal- from a friend who didn't know how desperate I was. I was blessed with not only one job, but three. I was able to figure out WHAT I wanted to do with my future. And I'll be honest, since then I've been on more dates since I've been home than I have in my whole life pre-mission. I was able to strengthen some relationships with my family members. I was blessed.
Don't get me wrong, I've still made mistakes of placing worldly things before the spiritual. But I try my very best to understand my purpose here. I want to become the person my Father wants me to become. And I will fight for that. Yes, I'm poor, I have no idea how soon I can go back to school due to that fact (hoping for fall), I've had to move out of my parents home, and I still fight with my weaknesses. I doubt my choices, and go to the what ifs of the past. Everyday is a fight. But if I keep my eye on the eternal perspective I know that this fight for the future is worth it. And so, I will fight.

Coming Home...

All missionaries, that i've talked to anyway, have a rough time trying to readjust at home. They have months to prepare themselves for the fact that the 'real world' is not going to be the same as the one they've been living in. However, for medically released missionaries it is a little different.
I served in the Texas San Antonio Mission. While there I saw so many miracles, and strengthened my testimony even more that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. And knows me. I came home from my mission on January 14, 2014. I found out I was coming home on January 13. And needless to say, it was a little bit of a culture shock. I went from having someone with me 24/7 to having this thing they call 'spare time' all to my self. I went from a set schedule of studying scriptures, praying, and serving- to basically doing whatever I wanted. Old habits fought to come back, and the temptations of the world sought to destroy the faith I had found on my mission. So, as I wake up everyday it is a quest, a battle to do those things that keep me anchored to the Lord. It isn't easy. Sleep or prayer? Movie or scriptures? We cannot simply sit idle and expect to be coming closer to our Father. We have to fight for it. This whole life is a quest to prepare to go home. Home to our Heavenly Father.
While coming home was a trial, a test of faith. It was also a blessing, to help me see how strong I could be, how strong I am. And to help me recognize that I am constantly preparing to go home. And so are all of you...

Welcome to my Quest

Welcome! First off, let me explain my blog title. My Grandmother was a very special woman. She loved everyone, and was dedicated to her Heavenly Father. Even though she passed away when I was younger, our last conversation made a lasting impact that has never, and will never leave me.
As I gave her a hug she whispered,
'Brooke, I want you to be perfect.' I quickly replied,
'Well, no one can  be perfect, Grandma.' And was shocked as she looked me in the eyes and said with tender love
'Through Christ we all can be.'
So, needless to say we are all on our "Quest for Perfection". Although I am the first to admit that I am far from perfect, I think that sharing the journey is part of the fun- and so here I am!
As Confucius says "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Each day I wake up and decide who I want to become. In a chaotic, and self centered world it is easy to be torn down- you don't have the right clothes, your hair is too short, you need to loose weight and we think that if we don't do all of this the 'right' way that we have failed. That we will never get anywhere in life, because we failed to follow trend. As i've grown to know that I do have a Heavenly Father that loves me personally, I realized none of that matters. Society: looks, weight, etc.. is not what determines my perfection or whether I fail or succeed in life. Rather it is following commandments, studying scriptures and most importantly learning who you really are. That my friends is how we become perfect. And not only perfect, but Happy. Some may say, when I am perfect then I will be happy, and so will everyone else. However being perfect is not something given. It takes a life of dedication and love to make that decision everyday.
 Do I follow the world, or my God?
So instead of happiness being a result of perfection, it is part of the equation.
So i've had my ups and downs. But those ups and downs help me to become the person my Heavenly Father wants me to be. So Friends, welcome to my journey.