The Monster of Regret

Recently I've noticed how many times I second guess myself. I do the: what ifs, and I should haves, and the I wish I would have done that differently, all thorough the day. I think all of us go through this at one time or another. Where we can't seem to do anything right, and the decisions of the past come to haunt us, and pretty soon we are trapped by a monster within our own mind. Regret. Such a small thing, but it tears you up from the inside and feels like it is a never ending process.
This past week, I sat in my room for hours and hours thinking about all the 'mistakes' I have made, and fearing that nothing I had planned would work out, and they would just end up 'mistakes' as well. I thought back to when I started college, and when I went on my mission, and how I have treated friends and family, and realized.... I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WRONG. At least that is how I felt. So, I continued about my week, realizing by the minute how I should be doing things better. That evil monster of regret ripping my self esteem to shreds as I put on my mask, a smile. I prayed but the void in my heart I felt was to deep to fill- I had done those things so I needed to suffer the consequence. It was at this time that I realized that I was done. I was searching for an escape a way to feel anything besides this. And that had led to bad things in the past. Soon enough the week was over, and I went to church.
I expected to continue to feel miserable, and figured I would probably get little out of whatever was discussed. I was wrong. As soon as the first speaker got up he said "I want to talk about how much Heavenly Father loves each of us individually, and He has a plan that may be unknown to us" (of course that may not be exactly what he said, but that is what I heard.) This speaker continued to talk about an amazing experience he had on his mission. And as he spoke I looked back at all the experiences I had on my mission. All the love that my Heavenly Father had showed me by protecting me and comforting me. But it was me that had chosen to forget those things and only focus on the bad, the mistakes. Elder Utchdorf Said: "The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets." The more I read the scriptures, pray, go to church and strive to LEARN from those so called mistakes, the more likely I am to come closer to fulfilling my full potential. I looked at some of the choices I had regretted and realized how much I grew and learned from each one. The regret wasn't to make me suffer, but for me to learn and become a better me.
So, to the boy whom I hurt because I was scared. I'm sorry. To the companion whom I was so whiney around that they became discouraged in missionary work, I'm sorry. To my parents who deal with my pains, craziness, and emotions. I am sorry. To the best friend who I dump all my heart on to, i'm sorry. To the siblings I bother all the time. I'm sorry. To the branch that dealt with my downer attitude. I'm sorry. To the friend I stopped talking to because I chose to be offended, I'm sorry. I could go on and on and on. I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in the past- but I wouldn't take one of them away even if I could. Every experience, every act, every conversation has made me, me. Like Elder Utchdorf said, If I look to my God, and strive to see my purpose here- those regrets are less likely to appear. Obviously, we will feel bad for wrongs or hurting we may have caused, but those feelings are to remind us that we are on a pursuit of holiness. A pursuit to fulfill Gods plan for us. A pursuit to become like Him. And so, I lift up my chin, I smile, and I don't let that monster of regret take over my peace of mind. And most of all, I learn from what I did, and I move on.