The Week I Dread

I always picture what the future would be like. I like to picture how my plans for me will end up. A year and a half ago, I left for the Texas San Antonio Mission. In my mind, I would serve a wonderful full time mission, and enjoy every minute. I would be able to help so many people, and companions as well. My family would be just dandy while I was gone, and when I came home it would be a piece of cake to find the man of my dreams and be sealed to him for time and all eternity. I sit here now, a year and a half later, and that plan is no where near what I thought it would be. Eight months ago, almost exactly to this day, I came home from my mission. I came early, having served a honorable mission, but needing some extra medical attention. I had fought a lot on  my mission to get over these medical problems, but as they added one on top of the other the burden became too large for me to bear. In one weekend, I went from serving with my best friend, to coming home to a confused but loving family. In a matter of hours, my life went completely upside down. I went from a time of focusing all my attention on the needs of others, to people staring and wondering what had happened. Its the nature of people to be curious. But curiosity doesn't mean you can be rude and judgmental. For then next few weeks I had people asking me questions that suggested I had compromised my virtue. Or questions asking what rules I had broken. In these weeks, as the questions continued, I felt like a bad person. That even though I had only come home because I needed help I had just given up, or failed the Lord. As this continued, I began to slip back into old habits. I didn't think I deserved anything good, so I made up for it by doing dumb things. From serving with structure and the spirit each day, my life had turned into total chaos and darkness. This was not the future I had hoped for months before when I left for Texas. 

After weeks, and months, of fighting to even know if anyone cared, I received a letter from a friend. It contained this quote by C.S. Lewis- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I started to think about this more and more. When I left for my mission I left the comfort of home, school and friends- trusting that the Lord had better things in store for me. When I was serving with a companion in one of my favorite areas, and was told I was being transferred I had to trust that the Lord had better things ahead. I had practiced this in my life multiple times, yet I forgot to do so, when I needed it the most. I had let the future scare me away from the better things I could have had. No, the future was not what I had imagined it to be. My family had had trouble, I had caused burdens on companions, and I for sure did not come home and magically run into prince charming. But, The Lord had provided better things. He allowed me to come and live with a family who showed me how to love in a different way, he placed me in a ward full of people who wanted to be my friends, he had even given me a man (for a little while) that helped me to learn how to trust again. Instead of focusing on all these good things, I had been so focused on all the bad and let myself feel stuck. Only to realize that an open door had been in front of me the whole time.

You may be wondering why on earth I am posting this today. Well, This Wednesday (on the 17th) I would have been flying home having served a full time mission, to see a family who was happy and proud. These past few weeks I have dreaded this day. As it came closer, the more guilt and confusion I felt. I didn't understand WHY I had to come home. I knew I needed the help, but why did the medical junk have to happen to me in the first place while I was serving? I think of how crazy life is right now with working two jobs and going to school full time- and think to myself that I wouldn't be worrying about that stuff right now if I was still out there. This morning, I woke up. Full of anguish, full of confusion, and wondering how I was going to get past this week. I sat up and looked at my wall and what did I see, C.S. Lewis' quote- "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." 

I didn't give up on my mission, or the Lord. He didn't give up on me either. I'm not a disappointment to Him, in fact I know I did the things in Texas that He needed me too. (Regardless of what others think) I have a loving Heavenly Father who ALWAYS cares. I have a family, though crazy sometimes, always makes me smile. I have a home to live in with a family that helps me to continue to learn. My future plan a month and a half ago seemed quite dreamy. No, I'm not still on my mission, I'm not helping people in Texas, and obviously am still single. But you know what, that is what God had planned for me. He knows what He wants me to become. He knows my potential. He loves me. And as this week of dread forges onward- I will turn to Him to find the comfort knowing He is shaping me in His hands.