The Monster of Regret

Recently I've noticed how many times I second guess myself. I do the: what ifs, and I should haves, and the I wish I would have done that differently, all thorough the day. I think all of us go through this at one time or another. Where we can't seem to do anything right, and the decisions of the past come to haunt us, and pretty soon we are trapped by a monster within our own mind. Regret. Such a small thing, but it tears you up from the inside and feels like it is a never ending process.
This past week, I sat in my room for hours and hours thinking about all the 'mistakes' I have made, and fearing that nothing I had planned would work out, and they would just end up 'mistakes' as well. I thought back to when I started college, and when I went on my mission, and how I have treated friends and family, and realized.... I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WRONG. At least that is how I felt. So, I continued about my week, realizing by the minute how I should be doing things better. That evil monster of regret ripping my self esteem to shreds as I put on my mask, a smile. I prayed but the void in my heart I felt was to deep to fill- I had done those things so I needed to suffer the consequence. It was at this time that I realized that I was done. I was searching for an escape a way to feel anything besides this. And that had led to bad things in the past. Soon enough the week was over, and I went to church.
I expected to continue to feel miserable, and figured I would probably get little out of whatever was discussed. I was wrong. As soon as the first speaker got up he said "I want to talk about how much Heavenly Father loves each of us individually, and He has a plan that may be unknown to us" (of course that may not be exactly what he said, but that is what I heard.) This speaker continued to talk about an amazing experience he had on his mission. And as he spoke I looked back at all the experiences I had on my mission. All the love that my Heavenly Father had showed me by protecting me and comforting me. But it was me that had chosen to forget those things and only focus on the bad, the mistakes. Elder Utchdorf Said: "The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets." The more I read the scriptures, pray, go to church and strive to LEARN from those so called mistakes, the more likely I am to come closer to fulfilling my full potential. I looked at some of the choices I had regretted and realized how much I grew and learned from each one. The regret wasn't to make me suffer, but for me to learn and become a better me.
So, to the boy whom I hurt because I was scared. I'm sorry. To the companion whom I was so whiney around that they became discouraged in missionary work, I'm sorry. To my parents who deal with my pains, craziness, and emotions. I am sorry. To the best friend who I dump all my heart on to, i'm sorry. To the siblings I bother all the time. I'm sorry. To the branch that dealt with my downer attitude. I'm sorry. To the friend I stopped talking to because I chose to be offended, I'm sorry. I could go on and on and on. I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in the past- but I wouldn't take one of them away even if I could. Every experience, every act, every conversation has made me, me. Like Elder Utchdorf said, If I look to my God, and strive to see my purpose here- those regrets are less likely to appear. Obviously, we will feel bad for wrongs or hurting we may have caused, but those feelings are to remind us that we are on a pursuit of holiness. A pursuit to fulfill Gods plan for us. A pursuit to become like Him. And so, I lift up my chin, I smile, and I don't let that monster of regret take over my peace of mind. And most of all, I learn from what I did, and I move on.

Fight for the Future

On the mission, your focus was always on the same thing: sharing the gospel. I knew why I was there, and I did my best to fulfill my missionary purpose. I studied the gospel, I taught the gospel, I relied on the Lord to help me go where I needed to and say what I needed to say. It wasn't easy, but at least it had my full attention. Then I came home and it was like my attention was pulled in a million different ways. School, dating, work, car, money, family, friends, church, media all come slamming at you like a whirlwind. That's when I had to have an intervention with my own mind.
I sat down and asked myself what I wanted in life. I want to be a wife and a mother who has an unwavering testimony. One who strove to follow her dreams in career and spiritual adventures. I wanted to know that I was a daughter of God, and I wanted to be an example as such. While written down on paper the list seems so easy... its not. Which is more important, school or work? Which should come first, family or friends? Then I asked well if I want to pursue my career and get a car I need money- so shouldn't that trump everything? Should I sacrifice relationships, religion, and activities just to get a step closer to a better future? The answer to these questions for yourself may be easy, but as my mind became an even bigger whirlwind these questions seemed completely valid and things that seriously needed to be determined. Then I paused. Why am I here?
Well, I have a Heavenly Father that wanted me to become like Him. He sent His son here so that I could have a choice  of what to do in life. And so that I could be forgiven of the mistakes I make. I have family, friends, dreams, hopes, and ambition because of the blessing of being able to come to earth. If this is so (and this is what I believe to be so) then I should put this loving Heavenly Father above anything, because without Him I would have nothing. So, that is what I did. I kept my daily habits that formed on my mission of daily study, prayer, and faithfully following Him everyday. I made sure to counsel with Him in all my decisions. I put Him first. As I did so, miracles happened. I was blessed with a car for a great deal- from a friend who didn't know how desperate I was. I was blessed with not only one job, but three. I was able to figure out WHAT I wanted to do with my future. And I'll be honest, since then I've been on more dates since I've been home than I have in my whole life pre-mission. I was able to strengthen some relationships with my family members. I was blessed.
Don't get me wrong, I've still made mistakes of placing worldly things before the spiritual. But I try my very best to understand my purpose here. I want to become the person my Father wants me to become. And I will fight for that. Yes, I'm poor, I have no idea how soon I can go back to school due to that fact (hoping for fall), I've had to move out of my parents home, and I still fight with my weaknesses. I doubt my choices, and go to the what ifs of the past. Everyday is a fight. But if I keep my eye on the eternal perspective I know that this fight for the future is worth it. And so, I will fight.

Coming Home...

All missionaries, that i've talked to anyway, have a rough time trying to readjust at home. They have months to prepare themselves for the fact that the 'real world' is not going to be the same as the one they've been living in. However, for medically released missionaries it is a little different.
I served in the Texas San Antonio Mission. While there I saw so many miracles, and strengthened my testimony even more that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. And knows me. I came home from my mission on January 14, 2014. I found out I was coming home on January 13. And needless to say, it was a little bit of a culture shock. I went from having someone with me 24/7 to having this thing they call 'spare time' all to my self. I went from a set schedule of studying scriptures, praying, and serving- to basically doing whatever I wanted. Old habits fought to come back, and the temptations of the world sought to destroy the faith I had found on my mission. So, as I wake up everyday it is a quest, a battle to do those things that keep me anchored to the Lord. It isn't easy. Sleep or prayer? Movie or scriptures? We cannot simply sit idle and expect to be coming closer to our Father. We have to fight for it. This whole life is a quest to prepare to go home. Home to our Heavenly Father.
While coming home was a trial, a test of faith. It was also a blessing, to help me see how strong I could be, how strong I am. And to help me recognize that I am constantly preparing to go home. And so are all of you...

Welcome to my Quest

Welcome! First off, let me explain my blog title. My Grandmother was a very special woman. She loved everyone, and was dedicated to her Heavenly Father. Even though she passed away when I was younger, our last conversation made a lasting impact that has never, and will never leave me.
As I gave her a hug she whispered,
'Brooke, I want you to be perfect.' I quickly replied,
'Well, no one can  be perfect, Grandma.' And was shocked as she looked me in the eyes and said with tender love
'Through Christ we all can be.'
So, needless to say we are all on our "Quest for Perfection". Although I am the first to admit that I am far from perfect, I think that sharing the journey is part of the fun- and so here I am!
As Confucius says "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Each day I wake up and decide who I want to become. In a chaotic, and self centered world it is easy to be torn down- you don't have the right clothes, your hair is too short, you need to loose weight and we think that if we don't do all of this the 'right' way that we have failed. That we will never get anywhere in life, because we failed to follow trend. As i've grown to know that I do have a Heavenly Father that loves me personally, I realized none of that matters. Society: looks, weight, etc.. is not what determines my perfection or whether I fail or succeed in life. Rather it is following commandments, studying scriptures and most importantly learning who you really are. That my friends is how we become perfect. And not only perfect, but Happy. Some may say, when I am perfect then I will be happy, and so will everyone else. However being perfect is not something given. It takes a life of dedication and love to make that decision everyday.
 Do I follow the world, or my God?
So instead of happiness being a result of perfection, it is part of the equation.
So i've had my ups and downs. But those ups and downs help me to become the person my Heavenly Father wants me to be. So Friends, welcome to my journey.