Road Block

Infertility. 1 in 8 couples are affected by it. You see others go through it. Hear about family that went through it, but you never anticipate that it will be you.


I used to joke that I've been ready to be a mom since I was 17. You see, my sister is 10 years older than me. When I was about 10, she had her first child. I began babysitting. Since then, she has had 3 more, my other sister had one child, and my brother had one as well. I have been the fun single aunt for a long time so I baby sat, burped and fed them, and changed a fair amount of poopy diapers. It was from that young age that I knew I wanted to be a mom. I grew up, got married and continued to be the cool aunt and help out my siblings when I could with baby sitting and other things- anticipating the time that it would be my turn to have kids of my own. The timing wasn't right when we first got married, and so we waited. I finally graduated from college, started my first 'real job', and we felt that it was time. I was excited, and figured both my sisters got pregnant fairly easy so I thought it would be easy for me too. Month after month my heart broke as I realized I still wasn't pregnant. I was friends with a few couples that had been trying for months, and others that had been trying for years. It was then that I realized that I wasn't alone on this journey, but it didn't make it any easier. I saw post after post of more pregnant friends- I was so very happy for them, but I still wished it were me. I finally went to the doctor and got some testing done after about 5 months. (I know, doesn't seem like a long time, but it seemed like ages to me!!) We found out that I hadn't been ovulating and that a simple medicine could fix that. We got started and a few months later found out that we were expecting! I was so ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone! I even did a cute announcement to tell Devan. However, that happiness faded as one week later I miscarried. It was early, only 5 weeks, but that didn't ease the grief and pain that we went through. I lost hope then. I thought "i'll never be a mom". I heard more and more people say: it'll happen when its supposed to. They were trying to help, but it killed me inside.

Fast forward a few months: I was in the middle of getting ready to leave my home, my job, and my family to move to Colorado with my husband. My doctor had done blood work and said it didn't look like I was pregnant, but I should test in 7 days just to make sure. I did it just because he told me to, but when I looked it was positive. It was late at night and I thought for sure it was fake so I put it back in the box and under the sink. The next morning I did it again, again it was positive. I should have told Devan, but instead I stuffed it under the sink again. Later that day I asked him if we could go buy more tests and he said "yes, but didn't we just buy some?" It was then that I told him and he responded "I know, I knew you tested so I searched for them and found them both under the sink!" He was so excited, but I was scared that the same thing would happen and we would lose this baby too. I didn't tell him a fun way or anything because of that fear.

Here I am, 15 weeks in, and baby is still happy and healthy. After trying for almost a year, our desires finally became reality. I still fear something will go wrong, and I will lose this baby too. But I keep faith whenever morning sickness or cravings hit.

I still know other couples that are trying. I pray for them everyday that things will work out.

For now, I am so excited to be a mommy!